After all sorts of ramblings, black T-shirts, black Mondays, rowdy Fridays and what not … we still haven’t managed to get rid of our honourable president.

Fear not! We already have plans A, B, C, D and E.

It’s multiple choice … because people in this country are not big on, you know,  agreeing with each other.

I emphasise – in the strongest possible terms – all these are merely suggestions. Read at own risk. 

Plan A

The Down & Dirty Method

A group of perlemoen poachers meet JZ in a dimly lit parking area in Port Elizabeth after rumours that JZ is …

1.  After one of their girlfriends for his next wife or …
2.  About to steal one of their cars or …
3. The Guptas are about to take over the perlemoen trade.

The MO

The usual JZ security detail is entertained elsewhere and the mentioned gang members are preferably furnished with a knife or two and a few sets of knuckle dusters.
If JZ survives, no one will recognise him and therefore he’ll be taken to the Livingstone psyche unit or the Donkin where he’ll get to experience Friendly City friendliness to the point that he’ll be MIA and presumed deceased.

• Obviously, it doesn’t have to be perlemoen poachers or Port Elizabeth … maybe the most suitable candidates can be found via a reality television show.

The Aftermath

Lawyers for the defence claim their clients were simply defending themselves against a thug. The state has no way to refute this claim. The poachers become overnight heroes and join the cast of a well-known South African soapie.

 

Plan B

The Organisation of African Unity and the newly established Pan-African Insitute for Literacy scrap the letter “Z” from the alphabet in all African countries.  

The MO

Without the letter “Z” parliament no longer recognises Jacob Uma as president and a new one has to be appointed pronto. The letter “Z” is the last in the alphabet and since it is politically incorrect for anyone to be last, the letter is no longer acceptable. Scrapped. 

The Aftermath

Some social media outrage, a little interest from the international media. Other people with the letter “Z” in their names might be slightly offended, but realise the cause justifies the means. Initially, a few grammar Nazis are ready to declare an alphabetical war but their zest waivers once they get it.

A few years later the grammar Nazis launch a Z must Be campaign and get the “Z” back. Fortunately, JZ is long gone.

 

Plan C

OK, this is unlikely, but we’re thinking out of the box here.

The EFF and the DA actually join forces for a coup d’etat. As in most such cases, Zuma disappears and is never seen again.

The MO

In order not to tarnish the reputations of their respective parties and to prevent party politics from hijacking the plan a temporary new movement called DEAFF is formed. They wear purple overalls.

In order for the plan to work the following must be done:

1.  Helen Zille’s Twitter account is suspended and her cell phone confiscated.
2. Spur play areas close until the entire operation is over.
3. Steve Hofmeyr may sing in public, but not speak (this might as well be permanent).

The Aftermath

The South African coup dominates at least half a news cycle around the world. Then all returns to normal. The economy gradually starts rising from the ashes.

 

Plan D

The DA and the EFF form DEAFF with the single objective of finding a convincing JZ impersonator. 

The MO

Julius is in charge of kidnapping the real JZ. Mmusi is in charge of finding and training the fake JZ. Some plastic surgery might be necessary (again the cause justifies the means). Leon Schuster is considered for the role, but Julius is critical of his pronunciation of the word Nkandla. Instead, Schuster stays on as a consultant. The real identity of the imposter is never revealed.

As soon as the imposter is ready, Julius and co do their bit. The real JZ disappears and the fake JZ shows up at Nkandla. His very first order of business is to disband the ANC to prevent other corrupt party members from simply replacing Zuma. The party may be newly founded but must have a new name and brand identity. After this, the fake JZ resigns, retires and disappears.

The Aftermath

The public is none the wiser. The international media report on how peaceful protest made a corrupt leader see the error of his ways. Oprah Winfrey decides to do a special interview with JZ entitled “People Can Change”.  Neither JZs shows up. Winfrey briefly considers closing her South African school, then cools down and returns to the States.

South Africans rejoice in unity for a while until the next racist idiot makes a silly tweet, Facebook comment or causes a scene at the Spur.

Carte Blanche finds out the truth, but decides internally, for once, to change you have the right to know it all …  to … you have the right to know it all much later.  As in around two decades later.  After that, conspiracy theories are rife.

 

Plan E

This one is slightly more complicated, but still possible.

Cooperation from all South Africans will be needed, but we can do it: An Orchestrated American Invasion. 

The MO

• South Africans start a nationwide anti-Zuma Beard and Burka protest and burn USA flags at rallies and marches.
• The international media note an Anti-American sentiment in SA and report en mass conversions to Islam.
• The Sunday Times reports the discovery of massive oil reserves, somewhere in the Free State. The land happens to belong to radical Muslims who vocally support Isis, at least according to You Magazine.
• There are also rumours of an Isis training camp in the vicinity.
• After being advised on the issue, Donald Trump declares that no remote countries will be allowed to become festering refuges for terrorism.
• Then The Mail & Guardian breaks the story: Nkandla is nothing but a front for the hiding of South Africa’s advanced nuclear program and is littered with weapons of mass destruction.
• The USA under Donald Trump immediately invades South Africa.
• Nkandla is wiped out completely by an airstrike.
• The South African Army happens to be on strike because of a wage dispute during the American invasion. There is no resistance and no casualties.
•  Trump replaces the entire South African government and sends some of “his people” to the Free State.
• JZ is taken to detention at Guantánamo Bay. After intensive enhanced interrogation techniques have been used the Americans are dumbfounded as to how Zuma ever became the president of any country.

The Aftermath

Rumours about weapons of mass destruction are kept alive by the Americans to justify the invasion. The international media show little interest since no American lives were lost during the invasion.

A few Free State farmers are well-compensated after American oil companies became bored with pointlessly drilling holes in the pursuit of nonexisting oil.

Only Trump believed the story about the Isis supporting landowners in the Free State in the first place and only because he had never been to the Free State.

The Zuma-less country returns to normal, or at least, our version of it.