Category Archives: Multiple Choice Musings

Sometimes I like to imagine a variety of endings.


After all sorts of ramblings, black T-shirts, black Mondays, rowdy Fridays and what not … we still haven’t managed to get rid of our honourable president.

Fear not! We already have plans A, B, C, D and E.

It’s multiple choice … because people in this country are not big on, you know,  agreeing with each other.

I emphasise – in the strongest possible terms – all these are merely suggestions. Read at own risk. 

Continue reading The JZ PROBLEMO

Will the World end in Wales?

Will the (Springbok) World end in Wales?


During my personal trials this week I’ve been telling myself: At least I’m not a worn-out, toothless herbivore facing a raging red dragon with my back to a cliff, a crag or a crevasse in the Welsh winter this weekend.

Alas, what awaits the hapless herbivores in the land of other people’s fathers tomorrow?

Continue reading Will the World end in Wales?

Springbok Rugby Supporters: Let’s Vote

Springbok Rugby – Let us vote


Let’s face it: it’s a bad time to be a Springbok supporter. As we await what has an excellent chance of being an embarrassing defeat against Italy (please, please let me be wrong), let’s consider our options:

To consider options, of course, one would have to have options in the first place … and we don’t, but I like to make things up as I go along.

So here are my few options for us as Springbok supporters. Note that I don’t pretend to offer a solution to the Boks’ woes. If I had that the matter would be different. These are options to us in lieu of a solution:

It’s multiple choice:

Continue reading Springbok Rugby Supporters: Let’s Vote

Irrational options

Originally written on 9 July 2013 – humour intended rather than offence.

My irritation with the month long Mandela machine marathon has inspired me to write a few alternative endings to the drama, no one likes predictable endings. It’s a multiple choice story.

Option 1: An experienced nurse is promptly sacked after revealing the truth to the media – Mandela is not on life support, he has died long ago. The rand and the petrol price go to hell in the consequent media scandal. The nurse flees to Russia where she hides out with Edward Snowden at the airport. They fall in love and marry and Snowden eventually starts publishing moving romantic stories. He is dubbed the American Tolstoy in Russia. Afrikaans poets Antjie Krog and Fanie Olivier both write poems about the scandal in SA.

Option 2: Shortly after all life support measures were suspended a wide awake journalist photographs Mandela in Ventersdorp. An old white male figure appears on the photograph as well. YOU Magazine has the exclusive – it’s Elvis. Carte Blanche prepares a special hour long programme with experts discussing the authenticity of the photo and the identity of the people in it. Mandla threatens with a court interdict, but the judge won’t have it. Edward Snowden claims the NSA has known the truth all along.

The photographer flees to the United States where he suspiciously dies of a heart attack despite not having a family history of heart disease and being very young. Joel and Ethan Coen make a film about the saga. George Clooney wants the main part, but is too old.

The rand and the petrol price in SA remain as shitty as ever.

Option 3: On 18 July all important figures are present for life support measures to be withdrawn, but seconds after all machines have been turned off, Mandela opens his eyes and asks for a cup of Rooibos tea. The next day he announced his return to party politics and forms a new political party. Afrikaans singer Steve Hofmeyr joins as his deputy.

Julia Gillard emigrates to SA and becomes Zuma’s next wife. She is fed up with sexism in Australian politics and men who cannot make up their mind about marriage. Zuma builds a large extension to his house and imports hordes of kangaroos to help Gillard feel more welcome. The Sunday Times features an in depth report about the cost of each kangaroo.

A great number of expatriates living in Aus follow Gillard back to SA. JM Coetzee refuses to come back until SA has taken definite measures against rhino poaching.

For months South Africans are caught up in a renewed spirit of patriotism, the likes of which has not been seen since the 1995 rugby world cup. They are so inspired that the Cheetahs play against the Bulls in the Super Rugby final. The Cheetahs win the trophy when Morne Steyn misses a sitter of a penalty from in front of the posts in the last minute of the game. Afterwards he promptly leaves South Africa to continue his rugby career in Japan.

A mere month after that famous cup of Rooibos, Mandela leaves for Egypt where he quickly solves the current political crisis. On his way back, he also quickly sorts out matters in Syria.

Steve finally saves the South African rhino population by housing all rhinos at Ellis Park – the Lions rugby union is disbanded and the Kings continue in the Super Rugby series.

Lester Venter writes a follow up to “When Mandela Goes” entitled “When Mandela Goes Again”. Once again it is heavily criticized by Max du Preez.

Mandla and Malema are captured by Mugabe after a botched attempt to invade Zimbabwe. The South African government declines to intervene and neither is ever heard from again.

To contest the next South African election Mandela and Steve call their party the Manstevas and launch their campaign called “Potjiekos én Pap … mét eish.” Steve composes and sings a hit song for the campaign and Mandela dances to the song at all political rallies. The song’s success helps to fun their campaign.

Zuma and Gillard fight back by visiting impoverished communities around the country. Many voters in these communities complain about being utterly confused about who to vote for. Zuma assures them that there will be clear photographs of party leaders on election ballots. On election day the story breaks on Facebook first: Zuma’s face appears next to that of the ANC, but Steve’s face next to the Manstevas. The two parties end head to head.

In the future SA has a two party democracy like the USA version instead of just the ANC. The rand and the petrol price recover slightly.


Option 4: Zuma is caught trying to switch off the life support machines himself during the middle of the night. A bloody civil war between the Xhosa and Zulu people follow and …

  1. South Africans who are not killed leave the country in great numbers. The country is left empty. The USA buy up the whole place for next to nothing and use Bloemfontein for testing controlled nuclear explosions and store nuclear waste in the great hole of Kimberley.


  1. Many civilians die and many flee. The economy is left in tatters. Russia buy SA cheaply and Putin bans all homosexuals to SA. Most of the Russian population leave, claiming to be gay, because they are tired of Putin and cold winters. Traditional leaders complain bitterly about the situation being decidedly unAfrican, no one listens. The US government has no complaints, as long as everyone is allowed to marry.

In a few years academics write interesting dissertations on the influence of Russian on Afrikaans and vice versa. Antjie Krog writes moving Afrikaans and English translations of Russian poetry. The anthology is a hit in Europe and Krog becomes very rich. The University of Stellenbosch want to appoint her as chancellor, she declines.

South Africa win an enormous number of medals at the next winter Olympics.

Outlandish Multiple Choice Ideas for How the Oscar saga will end

Oscar Pistorius … the options


After a condemning case by the state Oscar cries like a baby during his testimony (the advice of his media consultant). His testimony drags on for days – the court has to adjourn often to find more tissues.

Oscar is found guilty. The defence try their best to argue in favour of house arrest, but Oscar is sentenced to 15 years in prison.

Oscar takes his case to the constitutional court: South African prisons don’t have sufficient facilities for the disabled.

Afrikaans singer Matthys Roets, who has been in a wheelchair since a car accident, is widely quoted in the media: “Legs aren’t necessary for jail”.

The appeal process takes two years, but finally the international media show up to film Oscar walking into prison.

Then …

Option 1:

Precisely nine months after starting his sentence the Beeld runs a story about Angus Buchan visiting Oscar in prison. You Magazine breaks the story of Oscar’s conversion to being a “born again Christian”.

After 2 years Oscar is released on bail. The international media show up for his post release press conference and he talks about his new found faith. After a few months Oscar and Angus start publishing the first of many religious books: “Faith like a legless man”, followed by “From Pistols to Preaching” and “Belief Beyond the Bathroom door.” Later they meet David Wilkerson and together they publish “The Cross and the Blade Runner”.

Angus and Oscar become wealthy international evangelists.


Option 2:

Oscar is released on medical parole after 9 months. He sells his gun collection on EBay based in the UK and makes a fortune. Now and then the Sunday Times publishes photographs of Oscar playing golf with Schabir Shaik, who claims to now really be on his last legs.

Option 3:

Oscar is released on medical parole after 9 months and elopes to the USA. There he becomes the new nationwide ambassador for the American Rifle Association. They launch a campaign called: You have the right to bear arms, even if you don’t have a leg to stand on.

The campaign is largely a success within its target market since Oscar is introduced as “a former Olympic athlete” and the average American knows no more detail about him.


Option 4:

Oscar doesn’t show up to start serving his sentence. International media headlines include: “Blade runner, Blade gunner, Blade goner”, “The blade escape” , “Run Oscar Run” , “Runner, Gunner, Runner”,  “Once a runner, always a runner … sometimes a gunner” and “Legless Olympian outruns long arm of the law”. Stephan Francis & Rico publish a new Madam & Eve collection called “The Blades are Restless”, but change the name to “The Blades of our Lives” after being threatened with copyright violation by Gary Larson’s publisher.

Then …


A few months later Oscar is arrested in Russia for illegal gun trading. For the rest of his life he shares a Russian jail cell with South African child rape convict Dirk Prinsloo. Later Rapport newspaper publishes a story in which Oscar claims that he is constantly the victim of indecent assaults by Dirk. Nobody really cares.


Fugitive Oscar joins a Somali group of pirates who cause havoc all the way from the East Coast of Africa to Indonesia. He gains international notoriety as “the legless pirate assassin” and is especially known for shooting his victims through their cabin doors. Around a decade later the group’s ship disappears during a storm. A Hollywood film called “The Legend of the Legless Pirate” is an international hit.


Oscar joins Al Qaida. Al Jazeera broadcasts a video in which Oscar claims he killed Reeva because she made anti-Islamic comments. Jonathan Shapiro publishes a selection of his cartoons entitled “The Bathroom Door Verses”. Nobody bothers to sue him, but Al Qaida declares him an enemy of Islam and claims that Oscar will be sent to shoot him and that there is no door behind which he could hide.


Oscar gets special permission to take his blades to jail in order to increase his safety in jail through mobility. Apparently he “tip-toes” around during shower-hour “to stay fit”. Within three weeks he is attacked in the bathroom by an unknown prisoner. Oscar dies in hospital as a result of internal injuries. A week later You Magazine, usually branded as family reading material, makes history by selling the issue of their magazine containing the “inside story” covered in a plastic wrapper. The article claims one of Oscar’s blades had to be surgically removed and shows gory graphic depictions of the injuries as well as a map of the prison block and bathroom. The unknown culprit is never apprehended, but in an anonymous letter to the media originating from the prison, someone claims to have mistaken Oscar for an intruder. 


In a shocking turn of events Oscar’s defence claim in court that he is a sleepwalker. He was not awake at the time he shot Reeva and can therefore not be held liable. Two high school hostel mates testify that Oscar often walked in his sleep during exam times. University of the Free State psychology professor Dup Louw testifies that sleepwalkers often react violently when disturbed, without waking up.

Desperate to save their case the state claim a person cannot possibly be a “sleepwalker” if he has no legs, but Oscar is discharged on all counts. He starts his own charity called The International Association of Legless Sleepwalkers, but can find neither other members nor donations.  He tries to return to running, but since hotels now refuse to house him because of safety concerns, he is unable to compete at any events not within driving distance of his house.