Outlandish Multiple Choice Ideas for How the Oscar saga will end

Oscar Pistorius … the options

A.

After a condemning case by the state Oscar cries like a baby during his testimony (the advice of his media consultant). His testimony drags on for days – the court has to adjourn often to find more tissues.

Oscar is found guilty. The defence try their best to argue in favour of house arrest, but Oscar is sentenced to 15 years in prison.

Oscar takes his case to the constitutional court: South African prisons don’t have sufficient facilities for the disabled.

Afrikaans singer Matthys Roets, who has been in a wheelchair since a car accident, is widely quoted in the media: “Legs aren’t necessary for jail”.

The appeal process takes two years, but finally the international media show up to film Oscar walking into prison.

Then …

Option 1:

Precisely nine months after starting his sentence the Beeld runs a story about Angus Buchan visiting Oscar in prison. You Magazine breaks the story of Oscar’s conversion to being a “born again Christian”.

After 2 years Oscar is released on bail. The international media show up for his post release press conference and he talks about his new found faith. After a few months Oscar and Angus start publishing the first of many religious books: “Faith like a legless man”, followed by “From Pistols to Preaching” and “Belief Beyond the Bathroom door.” Later they meet David Wilkerson and together they publish “The Cross and the Blade Runner”.

Angus and Oscar become wealthy international evangelists.

 

Option 2:

Oscar is released on medical parole after 9 months. He sells his gun collection on EBay based in the UK and makes a fortune. Now and then the Sunday Times publishes photographs of Oscar playing golf with Schabir Shaik, who claims to now really be on his last legs.

Option 3:

Oscar is released on medical parole after 9 months and elopes to the USA. There he becomes the new nationwide ambassador for the American Rifle Association. They launch a campaign called: You have the right to bear arms, even if you don’t have a leg to stand on.

The campaign is largely a success within its target market since Oscar is introduced as “a former Olympic athlete” and the average American knows no more detail about him.

 

Option 4:

Oscar doesn’t show up to start serving his sentence. International media headlines include: “Blade runner, Blade gunner, Blade goner”, “The blade escape” , “Run Oscar Run” , “Runner, Gunner, Runner”,  “Once a runner, always a runner … sometimes a gunner” and “Legless Olympian outruns long arm of the law”. Stephan Francis & Rico publish a new Madam & Eve collection called “The Blades are Restless”, but change the name to “The Blades of our Lives” after being threatened with copyright violation by Gary Larson’s publisher.

Then …

4.1

A few months later Oscar is arrested in Russia for illegal gun trading. For the rest of his life he shares a Russian jail cell with South African child rape convict Dirk Prinsloo. Later Rapport newspaper publishes a story in which Oscar claims that he is constantly the victim of indecent assaults by Dirk. Nobody really cares.

4.2

Fugitive Oscar joins a Somali group of pirates who cause havoc all the way from the East Coast of Africa to Indonesia. He gains international notoriety as “the legless pirate assassin” and is especially known for shooting his victims through their cabin doors. Around a decade later the group’s ship disappears during a storm. A Hollywood film called “The Legend of the Legless Pirate” is an international hit.

4.3

Oscar joins Al Qaida. Al Jazeera broadcasts a video in which Oscar claims he killed Reeva because she made anti-Islamic comments. Jonathan Shapiro publishes a selection of his cartoons entitled “The Bathroom Door Verses”. Nobody bothers to sue him, but Al Qaida declares him an enemy of Islam and claims that Oscar will be sent to shoot him and that there is no door behind which he could hide.

4.4

Oscar gets special permission to take his blades to jail in order to increase his safety in jail through mobility. Apparently he “tip-toes” around during shower-hour “to stay fit”. Within three weeks he is attacked in the bathroom by an unknown prisoner. Oscar dies in hospital as a result of internal injuries. A week later You Magazine, usually branded as family reading material, makes history by selling the issue of their magazine containing the “inside story” covered in a plastic wrapper. The article claims one of Oscar’s blades had to be surgically removed and shows gory graphic depictions of the injuries as well as a map of the prison block and bathroom. The unknown culprit is never apprehended, but in an anonymous letter to the media originating from the prison, someone claims to have mistaken Oscar for an intruder. 

B.

In a shocking turn of events Oscar’s defence claim in court that he is a sleepwalker. He was not awake at the time he shot Reeva and can therefore not be held liable. Two high school hostel mates testify that Oscar often walked in his sleep during exam times. University of the Free State psychology professor Dup Louw testifies that sleepwalkers often react violently when disturbed, without waking up.

Desperate to save their case the state claim a person cannot possibly be a “sleepwalker” if he has no legs, but Oscar is discharged on all counts. He starts his own charity called The International Association of Legless Sleepwalkers, but can find neither other members nor donations.  He tries to return to running, but since hotels now refuse to house him because of safety concerns, he is unable to compete at any events not within driving distance of his house.

"We couldn't all be cowboys, so some of us are clowns" Counting Crows