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Silence

 

2016 has been a particularly hard year for me. I’ve learnt a lot, but in a way and manner which I hope, I never have to survive again.

In this post I want to write a tribute to someone I’ve lost – I believe it to be the greatest loss of my life.

This person isn’t dead – thank goodness for that – but she is lost to me in that the entire relationship has ended, there is no communication left and no way to ever repair what is now broken.

It was my idea to end the relationship. At the time I believed it to be the right thing to do and I pushed ahead thinking I was brave. But maybe I was a coward instead, I don’t know. My initiative was not met with the enthusiasm I had foolishly expected … which should probably indicate I know really nothing about correct decisions in such situations. I still don’t know what I should have done.

If you were to read “About” page on this blog you’d see that I “reserve the right to change my mind”. I’m a great believer in reaching a new insight. I love the way the great Alanis Morissette sings, “I’m wrong and I’m sorry”.

But here we are in real life and things are not that simple.  And I had reached the point of having been wrong and sorry way too often before. The fact is, I was tired, frustrated, confused … maybe even delusional or just stupid … and I did something I can never take back. I didn’t know how irreversible it would be.

Am I sorry?

More that I can say.

Did I do the right thing?

I have no idea. Not for me, but I hope for her.

What now?

I live with this every second of every day and it hurts. It hurts when I go to bed and hurts when I get up and it hurts as Adam Duritz sings, “when I’m slipping in between”.

The mind cannot conceive the infinity of loss.

I’ve lost my safe place, my confidante, the person I trusted most in the world, the person who knows me better than anyone. I’ve lost my containment, my moral compass, a great part of my will to fight, my will to resist, my wise adviser, my sacred place in the safest of hands. I’ve lost a pair of eyes that had truly seen me, a heart in which I was carried. I lost the one deity I believed in.

For so long I had trouble crying. My dry eyes have been one of my most prominent features – I believed in them. Now a few simple thoughts make the tears roll. Fortunately, my eyes don’t become red, people don’t notice when I cry. I wear glasses. So I take them off or just politely pick at the corners of my eyes and no one knows the difference. I don’t have to do my crying in the rain … I’m quite safe that way.

It has taken me very little time afterwards to discover how great this loss is. I always knew I had something very special, something I never deserved. Unfortunately, sometimes you have to go looking for a substitute before you realise what you had. You discover the mess you’ve made and it’s too late, way too late.

My cousin says it’s time for my big girl panties … I hope I don’t get them drenched in tears.

I’m guilty of so much, but not of all I’ve been accused of. Does that matter? Probably not.

I think of everything you said – every second you spent with me enriched me.

Perhaps fittingly and deservedly someone else has just kicked me to the kerb. Rejected me. Sent me out with the trash … and gosh, was I angry. Is this how she felt when I walked? I really, really hope not.

Here is my one remaining wish to her who is now lost to me: I take the blame, readily and all of it. I know what I did. I never deserved you. You were good to me and too good for me. If you have any regrets, any anger, any negative feelings whatsoever, please let me take them all. Let no memory of me ever weigh you down.

Forget everything I said. Everything I wrote as well, especially the most recent stuff.  It was sad desperation, not truth.

Forget me and my existence. Please, forget any anger you might feel.

Give it all to me and I will carry it because before all this happened, you carried me … and I would not have been here if you didn’t.

 

15 November 2016

 

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